Rediscovering Joy: Getting to Know Me Again

You may have been wondering where I’ve been for the past week. After steady blog posts, more than a week of quiet makes readers wonder if you’ve lost your drive. I’m here to say it’s quite the opposite.

I took a step back and had some time to reflect on recent events. I’ve had sit downs with friends, family and strangers on all points of the spectrum as it relates to faith and sexuality. For the most part I am greatly encouraged.

For a long time, I haven’t been doing the things that bring me joy. All of my actions over the past while have been what’s expected of me in public and I hid the real me behind closed doors. I’m not just talking about gender identity and sexuality.

We cannot choose which parts of our true selves we shut off. It’s like a light switch, it’s either on or it’s off. I was deeply depressed because I lost joy in the things that made me who I am. I had quit music, I had quit reading for pleasure, I had quit writing (outside of schoolwork) and I had quit being outside. I was hiding. I was scared.

This week I did a few things that I haven’t done in a long time. I read a 600 page novel in under two days, I went on a couple outdoor outings by myself, I restyled my hair in a crazy way and I spent an entire day in my pyjamas. I am actively rediscovering who I was before I started hiding.

Most importantly, I am doing it with Jesus every step of the way. God is reintroducing me to the intricate, fun and beautiful ways that he’s made me–and it’s giving me appreciation for those around me.

I used to feel contempt and annoyance for people who were freely themselves when really I was just jealous that they didn’t seem to be afraid. I thought them naive when really I was just scared. Not everyone is will support and endorse everything we become, but you have to be your own biggest fan–can you live with the person you’re becoming–or like me do you need to pause and re-introduce yourself.

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